Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
