I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
