No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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