I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
