The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
