The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Send help, water and tortillas.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize