I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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