hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize