You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
