Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
