Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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