He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
