god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There's always time for handjobs
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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