i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
