Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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