I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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