I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
