Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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