THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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