You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
