the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
