Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
