I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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