Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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