My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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