If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
