When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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