Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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