How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize