Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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