I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
