i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
