watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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