just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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