so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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