Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
