my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize