all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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