i think my tv is drunk
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
