We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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