i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
