The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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