I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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