she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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