im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
