Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
