Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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