You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
