You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
