I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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