It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
