My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
