woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
