Who wears a wallet chain?!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
