You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
