i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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