Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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