then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
foreskin is a definite game changer
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
