I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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