my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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