Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
