im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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